1. Introduction

I grew up in a village on the foothills of Western Ghats mountain range in southern India. It was a small community set in the lush greenery of pepper and coconut groves. Life was organic and the air full of hope and excitement. A deep sense of connectedness pervaded the green valleys bubbling with myriad forms of life. Ancient trees, wild flowers, butterflies, migrating birds and all kinds of reptiles were interwoven in the tapestry of life unfolding before me.

My parents were catholic. Childhood memories bring up vivid images of solemn sunday mornings and colourful church festivities. A loving God guided us from heaven while we went about our human ways, laughing, crying and praying. I believed in such a God for many years. The village had several Hindu and Muslim families as well. Ethereal beings such as tree spirits and djinns too were realities of my childhood.

I was an introspective child, always searching for hidden patterns behind the medley of experiences. What links the brown soil, flowers and birds to stars, village spirits and God? What connects beauty, love and dreams to suffering and death? What is the significance of all these? The question of connectedness and meaning was my preoccupation.

I remember my first act of irreverence. An extremely gentle nun was teaching the creation story to us eleven year olds in the Sunday catechism class. God made light on the 1^st day and stars  on the 4^th day of creation according to the book of Genesis. I took the lesson seriously enough to have a genuine doubt. ‘How can God create light first and then the stars?’- I wondered aloud to the consternation of the whole class. I couldn’t understand why God went about creating light and stars in the reverse order. 

Such nagging doubts continued throughout my adolescence. God is a simple and elegant solution to all problems as long as you have faith, but I found it impossible to stop asking questions. My budding inquisitiveness needed more freedom. 

Science was liberating with its more convincing answers. The God I once loved and revered slowly turned into a distant memory. I was both saddened and relieved by this development. I had had many arguments about God with my earliest teacher, my mother, who at first tried to explain God to me in her own simple ways, but later faced my questions with an impenetrable smile. Her faith appeared irrational but it helped her maintain a healthy respect towards all forms of life and find hope even in most difficult of situations. I felt sad because I found it impossible to believe like my parents’ generation. At the same time, I experienced a new kind of freedom, as my juvenile exuberance had begun to equate faith with intellectual dishonesty.

Earth, stars and galaxies are interesting, but most important is life itself. Darwin’s theory of evolution was an eye opener. Natural selection is a simple yet powerful explanation for the variety and splendour of life. It provides a framework to understand ourselves, unquestionably establishing our connection with rest of nature. 

Science of life was an exciting revelation but doubts returned after the initial euphoria. I always had a strong sense of inner meaning. It was as real as the force of gravity though I couldn’t communicate it with other people. Gradually I realized this subjective reality has no place in science. I found it extremely perplexing.

There is a huge gap between the objective ‘man’ of science and ordinary human beings on the street. Even the most ardent biologist stop being ‘man’ the moment she steps out of the laboratory. If man is indeed a complex machine made of organic matter, why don’t people behave like machines? Why is the search for meaning and purpose in life?

Science has revealed the gargantuan scale of our universe in space and time. Earth is one of the planets in the solar system, with sun at the centre and Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune orbiting the sun. Solar system is part of the Milky Way galaxy, estimated to contain about 400 billion stars like sun. Universe consists of 200 billion such galaxies! Time scales are equally staggering. Earth is 4.5 billion years old and the first living cells appeared 3.5 billion years ago. Our species, homo sapiens, is at least 300,000 years old. An individual’s 70 odd years is an entirely insignificant blip in the grand scheme of things. It is a fact and nothing will change that. 

At the same time, I experience life as a singular event of enormous significance. I will think these thoughts and feel these emotions only once in the entire lifetime of the universe! I will be leaving behind everything dear to me, never to set eyes again on sights that have grown familiar over the years. Roads untravelled will remain untravelled till the end of time.  There is no evidence to believe my consciousness will continue to exist forever. Every moment of my life is infinitely precious, an invitation to ponder the mystery of existence precariously balanced between two brutally opposing facts.

Science must always maintain its third person point of view to remain effective. The question of life’s ‘meaning’ and ‘purpose’ appear to be outside its scope. Where else do we turn for answers? Does it even make any sense to ask such questions? How can I presume my fleeting existence in an indifferent universe has a purpose? But surely life can’t be meaningless since I am able to comprehend beautiful patterns in the organization of matter, such knowledge revealing ‘I’ am a product of billions of years of evolution, connected with all life on earth, and my conscious existence a singular event in time?  

Advancement of science and technology in the past 300 years has unleashed powers beyond human control. Our survival as a species depends on whether we could find a meaningful and convincing answer to the problem of life. I believe it is possible to understand the objective and subjective without ignoring phenomenal consciousness or invoking the supernatural. We should begin by asking what are the foundational facts consistent with life as an objective event and subjective experience at the same time. 

Human life is the meeting point of two conflicting realities. Cosmic irrelevance of individual existence on one side, and consciousness as an event of unfathomable significance on the other side. How do I make sense of my life, living as an ‘objective-man’ and a ‘conscious-man’ at the same time?  This is the problem of life I am attempting to address in a series of dialogues with myself.